Just smoked weed with my brother and he’s too conservative hopefully he will learn not to trust cops with time.

I haven’t really journaled so I haven’t really reflected on what’s been going on, and there’s been a lot of things that are giving me really strong feelings that I’m taking drugs in order to ignore. On Thursday I’ll be busy with my family and on Friday with my brother, Saturday saying bye to my family and doing laundry and gaming or whatever, but Sunday I’m going to really sit down and write a long journal entry and talk about all the things that have been happening and the feelings I’ve been having. I need to talk about rebekah. I need to talk about shaina. I need to talk about my mom. I need to talk about eve. I need to talk about jess, and jessie,  and shan. I’m getting better,  there’s no doubt about that and I’m trying not to discourage myself, but like there’s a lot of healing left to do, and I’m still existing in survival mode and I’m trying to get out of that without developing a pill habit. Ugh. I’m trying. I it hard enough? I don’t know. I’m suffering a lot. I’m just trying to love myself, I guess. I’m trying to think I’m worth surviving, I’m worth getting better. I’m trying to think redemption is possible for me, and that maybe with or without me, the people I hurt will be able to heal as well.

I’m writing here now instead of checking her blog. I love her but it didn’t work out and that’s ok. I just have to learn from this and do better next time. Like with ida. I won’t treat her like a punching bag like I have everyone else. I hope rebas doing well, and I hope she’s not hurting as much as I am.

I’ve been ok, I guess. I stopped journaling since Reba stopped checking my blog. I’m going to try and do it anyways, just for me. The whole only working 3 days a week thing is cool, because like last weekend I had time to do two very important things in order to prepare for uni, and time to do loads of drugs to squash my pain, and wrote a pretty good poem. Today had a productive day at work, I’m going in early tomorrow and intend on having another long productive day, then the sale on Wednesday, and then therapy, and I’m free for the weekend. I still haven’t cut myself, which is good. I’m kinda less suicidal, which is good, but I still am walking around in a remarkedly depressed haze. So just get through work, and then work on uni stuff over the weekend, also Skype date with ida bean on Thursday, and plans for fun with my brother on Friday. Things are good. Im beautiful and punk and capable and I can fuckin do it.

Look at us. I was miserable then but I had no idea what was in store for me.

Drove home trashed Friday. Spent the whole weekend pilled up and smoked up and sad and pathetic. Took a shower today. Not going to work tomorrow. I’m really slipping. She stopped reading my blog so I can say it: if she were still here I wouldn’t be using drugs so heavily. I know I fucked it up forever, but I love her.

Think I’m going out tonight with some girl from okc I’ve been texting. I haven’t been out for ages this will be good for me. I just need to keep myself busy and be social again.

Yeah I guess I was just supposed to change my whole plan and not pursue the course I really want because of her. I’m really hurt. Why would she be scared of me? What does she think I would do to her? I love her. I probably wouldn’t even try and talk to her if I saw her. I would probably just go cry somewhere. I feel so flushed and sick. Mmu was my first choice and not because of her.

@ me u feel like shit but u look gr8 today charlotte. A plus. Feel like ur dying but maintain the image that u care about ur appearance. Fake it till u make it.

A butch baby dyke asked me what to wear go a job interview today. What a sweetheart.

Dyke squad!  It’s snowing today at work which is fucking ridiculous. My mood was pretty low, and still kinda is, but being in the car with jess always makes me feel a little better. Psychiatrist today at 4. I’m kinda nervous about it, because I think she’s going to start weighing me and its awkward when ppl do that. But I feel like I’ve probably been losing weight so. Just gotta make it through work, and the doctor, and get my pills, and then get through Friday traffic and I will have two days of freedom. Freedom to play games until my eyes fall out. I’d like to start reading one of my lesbian books, if I can focus.

Wallowing in misery because i miss her doesn’t do anything for either of us. She knows how I feel. Lying prostrate and crying won’t bring her back. I need to find a way to focus on me and my life. I need to get my shit together and move on without them. That way my shit will at least be together, if they decide they want to be friends again. So doing lots of drugs and then sleeping half the following day to escape my emotional pain might be what feels the best but it’s not going to get me through college so. That was my plan with or without her, so I’ll just awkwardly be in her city learning German and shit. I don’t really have any concept of how big manc is or if it’s like common to run into people but that would be weird. Idk. I need to get it together. And eat more food even tho I have no appetite from my meds because I cannot afford to lose weight I just got my fat summer clothes and that blue shirt is my new favorite thing. Plus all the glorious tank tops. Receive my final tan before going to pasty Island where my skin will become translucent. My tattoo is rly itchy and I’m full of shame and regret. Gnite.

i’m going to take an ativan, eat a big plate of the corned beef and cabbage that omi made, and either read or play xbox until i go to bed. i’m going to stay away from my phone and computer for the rest of the evening, and try to relax. tomorrow i have work, and have to see my psychiatrist. todd wants me to tell her about my anxiety levels, but i feel like she will just yell at me for having finished most of the benzos she gave me already. maybe she will put me back on mood stabilizers, i dont know if its too soon for that since i’ve been on effexor though. i would like to be on lamictal because i’m still experiencing really sharp mood swings that put me into dangerous head-spaces. i’m really confused about reba’s reaction to jess – i mean, i know i was bad to jess, so i figured she would be a person to talk about all this with? has jess forgotten how badly i made her feel? or has she really just forgiven me completely? i just. i need to know if i’m fixable. or if i’ll always hurt the people i love.