i messaged reba asking her if she showed my blog to anyone, and when she called, i was really surprised, and scared. i was stammering and my heart was racing. it went about as well as i expected it would. i hate hearing the hurt and anger in her voice. i hate that i caused that. how am i supposed to be kind to myself, and tell myself that i fucked up, but that i can be better. how do i not just write myself off. is being better, being different, a possibility? is this just a congenital defect in my person? i want to be better. i’m going to keep trying. i’ve sent what shaina said in that post to todd, i imagine i’ll show him reba’s additions. i feel like i want to cut myself right now, to punish myself. i’ve spent the whole day just laying around being miserable and not eating. but i’m not hungry, so i’m not really sure what to do about that. i would tell eve to go eat something, and to do something to make herself feel nice and to be kind to herself.

i really thought i had been doing better. thats what todd said, and thats what jess has been saying. but reba doesnt think i’ve been doing well at all. i feel very very small. i want to disappear.

eve says i need to try to stop thinking about her. even if i could, i wouldnt stop thinking about reba. i wont choose to stop loving her. i just have to deal with the pain i’ve caused other people, and the pain i’ve caused myself.

I’ve literally done nothing today. And eaten slightly more than nothing. I’m p sure my meds are altering my appetite. Feeling empty. Lonely. Sad. But I should eat something. That sounds like taking care of myself or whatever.

I’m confused. I don’t know how to feel. I just miss her. I can’t just stop caring about her.

After shainas post that everyone reblogged, I was rly upset and got rly fucked up and passed out. Then I stayed in bed until noon trying to sleep it away, and finally showed jess and talked to her about it, which I should’ve done in the first place, I just didn’t want to bother her. I want to put the conversation here so I can come back and look at it when I’m upset. Idk if jess is right, especially about Reba. But she knows me and loves me and wants the best. I wouldn’t be around without her recent support. She doesn’t think I’m a monster.

Lol whoops todd sorry this wasn’t a positive coping mechanism was it

Therapy was ok. Productive. Todd says I’m punishing myself. Maybe so, but I deserve it, and I’m not hurting myself. Todd says with the relief I’m feeling from my medication I’m entering into a new phase where I can learn positive coping mechanisms, and how to talk myself down and reason with myself better in stressful situations. He says I’m already starting to do this. He says I’m doing better at being in the moment. He’s very positive, that todd. Also a secret rock nerd because I showed him my plugs and he pulled out a pouch of rocks he carries around in his backpack??? But he was like ‘you’re suffering without your friends because at your core you feel abandoned and rejected, and remember how one of the main parts of bpd is fear of abandonment?’. No shit, toddly. It hurts not talking to them. He told me to focus on how healthy and close my relationship is with Jessica.

Also,  I just heard emmy from upstairs go “pweeeeez omi!!!” and omi go “please what I can’t do anything about the commercials!”

This is my new favorite button up. When I got it jess asked if I got boat shoes to go with it. Jessie would like it, and would probably wear it with boat shoes.

Sale day today. Worked down at the bays today helping ronda. Dennis told me to be nice like 5 times before he let me work down there, and I totally was. Even when dudes were being rude to me I kept my cool, so go me! I liked working down there, it was was less stress to not be in charge of a lane, and I had more to do and focus on and it kept me busy and moving, which feels nice sometimes. In a pretty good mood today, I’m wearing a new shirt and I look super cute. I’m wearing some new pants too, and they look gr8 on me and are really comfortable, but this morning when I put them on I realized that the front pockets are fake and it was basically the worst experience of my life. But good so far today, other than a minor hiccup. There is always a cop from the local sheriff there to keep the peace (sometimes the dealers fight) and every time I saw him I got rly nauseous because cops make me even more nervous now. Yay ptsd. But tomorrow I have off, so I’m going to try to get my passport sorted and check the emails from universities I’ve been ignoring. I think jess is busy all weekend so I’m going to be super lonely. Hopefully I can manage to do something nice and soothing instead of moping in the dark all weekend. But now it’s time for therapy.

you’re my calm thought that helps me fall asleep

A week and a half into effexor and most of my suicidal ideation is gone, along with my urge to self-injure. What I’m left with is a constant feeling of unease, overwhelming fatigue, and crippling anxiety. Everything is reminding me of Reba, shan, and jessie. I miss them constantly. And also, without them, I’m just plain fucking bored. I’m not laughing as much without them. I feel really lonely and isolated. I’m hoping with time effexor will help my mood a lot more (I’ve had two days where I felt really good for several hours, and that was really amazing but I wish it wouldve lasted), but at the same time how can I be happy when I’m mourning the simultaneous loss of multiple friendships? I’m hurting without them. But I haven’t forgotten why they’ve gone.

My chest hurts when I think about rebekah, and I think about her all the time. There was actually a few hours at work where I was busy enough that I didn’t think about her and didn’t feel that anxiety and misery that have been the norm of her absence. Unfortunately, in order to realize that I had experienced that period of relief it had to be over. I just hope she’s at least doing well without me. I hope they’re all doing better without me. I guess it’s really selfish of me how much I wish they would come back. Idk.

(I love you)