i’m sad without you.

it’s a deep sadness –
it seeps through the tissues
down to the bone.
they fray and flake around the edges
like tired pieces of soap.
my once-strong heart is
eroded, porous, atrophied.
a sad, overused sponge

i tried to wring you out of me.

it’s a constant sadness –
it’s there in the morning to greet me
before i’ve opened my eyes.
it’s put lead weights under my skin,
sapped the strength from my limbs,
changed me entirely.
i’m amorphous, gelatinous, a
mound of a monster
capable of only rudimentary thought:

rebekah. rebekah’s gone forever.

you follow me like a ghost.
you’re always with me.

or am i the ghost following you?

She loves me
Tramadol
She loves me not
Take a hit
She loves me
Ativan
She loves me not
Take a hit
She loves me
Taste the vodka
Soon I won’t care for a while

mommy dearest

she’s got a thick extension cord in her hand
doubled over, a skinny loop
ends met in her fist
it makes a sort of
whistle-hiss as it
cleaves the air
it sounds like a jumprope
whirring.
mommy’s gonna teach me
how to double-dutch:
get back here
don’t you run from me
you’re only making it worse

you were never allowed to call mom
“mommy dearest”
my guess is she saw the film
and was horrified by that infamous scene
in which Joan Crawford bore a striking resemblance to herself
but mommy didn’t need wire hangers–
she had belts
(lots of belts)
spoons
spatulas
(the metal kind with the holes hurt the worst)
cables
fly-swatters
anything within reach and easily brandished
and of course, her bare hands.

one time around age twelve
I screwed up my courage
shouted through tears:

I’ll call CPS!

then sounded a dry, cold laugh

Go ahead. Call them.

I shrunk, terrified and small once more
of course I wasn’t going to call

I just wanted her to stop hitting me
I want her to stop hurting me
I want to stop hurting
I want to stop hurting them
I want to stop hurting myself.

Come back to my house
Stand in the spot where they cuffed me
Pace the route they dragged me
Lie in bed and feel the emptiness
–but wait
I haven’t taken my meds
It’s Friday, double the dose
Get the bowl
Take the slideshow of her off my phone
I guess some things have changed after all

I want to curl up to you
Front to front
Bury my face in your neck
Feel your softness on my cheek and lips and
Be filled with your scent

You will stroke my hair a few times
Before drifting off to sleep

And when I wake up scared in the night
I’ll be lulled back into peaceful rest
By your small sleepy noises

I want to float up into a world imagined
While I’m full of you

I wish I could draw
I’d draw only your face and
Surround myself with you
Draw you in
Draw me close
Drawn together
Drawn conclusions
Drew apart

I could recreate you from memory
Keep you close at hand
I want to know your hands
Not seen but heard
Heard my voice say things my heart never authorized

I’d like to submit an apology
Rush delivery
Rough delivery of my words
Have all the tack and none of the tact
Tacky apologies
Unbelievable, you’ve heard it before
Glue my tongue to the roof of my mouth
Tie it, untie it, tie me up
Make me yours
Give me what’s mine
Leave marks

You’ve left your mark
I missed the mark
I missed the boat
I shit the bed
Left reason for dead
Boy I really fucked it up this time