Think I’m going out tonight with some girl from okc I’ve been texting. I haven’t been out for ages this will be good for me. I just need to keep myself busy and be social again.

My heart hurts.

I was never even serious about going to Brighton

Doesn’t she think I’ll be sad being in manc too? That I’ll be in agony knowing we are so close but still will never probably even meet? But I’m not changing my plans for my future because of a woman again. I need to be true to myself and what is right for me. It’s not about her.

Why does she hate me so much like fuck I know I hurt her but I’m not out to like ruin her life I just made mistakes and I got rly sick but I love her so much.

I need to study German to go to grad school in Germany. Am I supposed to sacrifice my entire future because she doesn’t want me to be in the same city?

Yeah I guess I was just supposed to change my whole plan and not pursue the course I really want because of her. I’m really hurt. Why would she be scared of me? What does she think I would do to her? I love her. I probably wouldn’t even try and talk to her if I saw her. I would probably just go cry somewhere. I feel so flushed and sick. Mmu was my first choice and not because of her.

@ me u feel like shit but u look gr8 today charlotte. A plus. Feel like ur dying but maintain the image that u care about ur appearance. Fake it till u make it.

A butch baby dyke asked me what to wear go a job interview today. What a sweetheart.

Dyke squad!  It’s snowing today at work which is fucking ridiculous. My mood was pretty low, and still kinda is, but being in the car with jess always makes me feel a little better. Psychiatrist today at 4. I’m kinda nervous about it, because I think she’s going to start weighing me and its awkward when ppl do that. But I feel like I’ve probably been losing weight so. Just gotta make it through work, and the doctor, and get my pills, and then get through Friday traffic and I will have two days of freedom. Freedom to play games until my eyes fall out. I’d like to start reading one of my lesbian books, if I can focus.

Wallowing in misery because i miss her doesn’t do anything for either of us. She knows how I feel. Lying prostrate and crying won’t bring her back. I need to find a way to focus on me and my life. I need to get my shit together and move on without them. That way my shit will at least be together, if they decide they want to be friends again. So doing lots of drugs and then sleeping half the following day to escape my emotional pain might be what feels the best but it’s not going to get me through college so. That was my plan with or without her, so I’ll just awkwardly be in her city learning German and shit. I don’t really have any concept of how big manc is or if it’s like common to run into people but that would be weird. Idk. I need to get it together. And eat more food even tho I have no appetite from my meds because I cannot afford to lose weight I just got my fat summer clothes and that blue shirt is my new favorite thing. Plus all the glorious tank tops. Receive my final tan before going to pasty Island where my skin will become translucent. My tattoo is rly itchy and I’m full of shame and regret. Gnite.